FragrantMemory
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Breathe again .[Mo0:0][ss:WarmThoughts]
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Post by FragrantMemory on Oct 17, 2011 23:49:45 GMT -5
Biking... oh, man, has it changed my legs. I didn't recognize myself in the long mirror at school because I had my eyes lowered. WHOSE MANLY THUNDER CALVES ARE THOSE?I hope this means I can try Steven's leg weights someday. I mean, muscle gain aside, I find that even 25 miles has got nothing on me. In terms of my own growth, that feels like an achievement - but compared to serious bikers, I'm still an ickle firstie. Maybe I can even get into the state of health I was in mid-hs. Man... Ryuk seems like a fun costume for Halloween... if only it didn't fall on a Monday this year. Realized the judgmental, mouth-foaming-with-gossip 'girl' behind me in microecon is actually a woman... well into her late twenties. Wowww.... at least there are plenty of others who give me hope for this new era. Today she and the Pansy Parkinson doppelganger were dispensing derisive remarks in loud whispers about the young t.a. who takes attendance. Had a dream of Mom this morning, after a night of tossing and turning. Felt that raw ache in my chest, and my head started hurting. Still, I dragged myself to school - against my best judgment. Usually, when I'm in these depressive modes, I tend to snap at people. I dislike petty complaining. To say that I was enraged to see ridiculous judgments passed on that girl would be a severe understatement. And that guy who was smoking in front of me... and kept blocking my path when I tried to avoid walking behind him - well, I wanted to push him into a bush and hose him and the cig down. Do depression and irritability and anxiety like to hang out together or something? I feel like a menace. Randomly opened my closet and saw a picture of the bastard elders, and that thing I call my grandmother. Jet of anger burst through me, and I had a furious thought that seemed to ignite from my very veins. WHAT, DOES SHE HONESTLY THINK SHE CAN GET AWAY WITH THIS?Depression goes hand in hand with anger. But I'm wondering if I've been fooling myself - again. I can be so good at that.. As it is, the anger only comes in short bursts... the rest of the day I'm perfectly content to be in my own company - a vast improvement from last year. I'm not too worried... WHY THE HELL DOES SHE KEEP E-MAILING ME? DOES SHE WANT TO MAKE ME CRY? If she does, then mission accomplished. Really, now... can I please live in peace? I have no hope of even getting a second of shut-eye tonight. I think most of my blood supply is up near my aching eyeballs. Mom's been gone for over a year and I still miss her so much, still ache for her. My head feels like it's on the brink of splitting. Something I've come to accept as characteristic of my days. Just how long was I planning to lie to myself? What the hell have I been lying about? I get this feeling I'm not telling me something. Talking to myself again.... I can't believe I'm letting the rest of her email make me feel guilty. ME. The hell do I have to feel guilty for in this situation? Why do I pity people? Why do I care? I'm chasing my own tail here. I can't abandon me... I have to take time to myself. There's no other way out of this.
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Xyrad
Sword God
Silence will fall when the question is asked.[Mo0:17][ss:PartnerForLife]
Posts: 669
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Post by Xyrad on Oct 18, 2011 10:40:18 GMT -5
Guessing about who 'she' is, I think you should just block/ignore/delete her e-mails. You don't need the additional stress from her. It's only been a year, you're on your way. "Most people expect to feel better after the first year following a loss and they become frightened when they instead feel worse as they approach the second year. For anyone grieving a significant loss, and especially for someone who has lost a spouse or life partner, the first year is a time of learning to adjust and physically survive. " psychcentral.com/lib/2006/grief-healing-and-the-one-to-two-year-myth/------------- Anytime I see the words 'jet' and 'burst' in the same sentence, I immediately think of the battle of Hogwarts. Oh, and high-five for shapely thighs! ;D
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FragrantMemory
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Breathe again .[Mo0:0][ss:WarmThoughts]
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Post by FragrantMemory on Oct 19, 2011 0:00:05 GMT -5
^ Thanks for the link.
I've had moments where I've felt insane. I've even had days where I felt like I was dying - the mental and physical symptoms combined were driving me mad. How that constitutes dying, I don't know. I have to tell myself how to breathe.
I've been dreaming of Mom regularly since she came home, but I tried not to dwell so that I could get through my studies. Monday morning was nearly the trigger for me to become a shut-in. It was right after I woke up, and it took time for me to realize that she's not alive anymore. It was so raw, so excruciating - I dreaded the thought of going to school. I didn't want to speak to anyone, didn't want to see anyone. But I still dragged myself to school, and tried to muster up some courage. Tried to tell myself that I'm brave, that I've endured more than these suckers with their perpetually petty complaints, and that I should take pride in being able to stand up again, sort of. But there was this hostility I felt, grounded in the irritability. I don't know if I actually hate/resent any of THEM, but I sure tend to turn my anger towards them when I'm feeling on the brink of flying off the handle. I've never made a conscious choice to hate or resent anybody, but when I'm irritable, thoughts fly up, I say things in the spur of the moment, etc. What I do know for sure in regards to my feelings towards them is that the old man creeps me out BIG TIME. June is when I have to see him for his birthday or whatever, and my mind simply screams RAPIST. It's my every instinct to run away from him, but I fight it. Even the texture of his skin when he smiles frightens me. As for the old lady, she creeps me out, too. From the way she nibbles on her bottom lip to her fart-like laughter - she makes my hair stand on end. How can there be people so cruel? Something I've wondered about more than half my life.
Can't block her. Sometimes she relays messages from other people, like the kid cousins. I don't actually hold anything against her. It's just that there are people I care for, but I don't know why. It's pathetic. What good will it do me if I feel love for anything that moves? And the words they spew.. it's best if I stayed away for a while.
Dad came in. Told me he'd always be there for me, but I need to have more self-respect. Said it's a day he really looks forward to, and it'd make him immensely happy. Oh, Dad... :']
Everybody dies, he says. Dying could even be said to be the common goal. It's inevitable, it's natural. What can anyone do?
I told him I'm determined to triumph against depression and anxiety.
I'm content to be in my own company, and I can find my voice when my thoughts take a self-mutilating turn. That's a start.
But most importantly, I'm aware that half of my DNA is my mother's. She gave birth to me. She's still with me. It's something I'm in the process of wrapping my head around. This is just..
Just another day in the world in which we live.
Live.
I urge me...
whatisthisplacemyjournalnow?
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sammy
Wanderer
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Posts: 221
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Post by sammy on Oct 22, 2011 23:19:49 GMT -5
niece Ling, really sad, i felt utmost sorry over ur loss. I would think some ppl would be more understanding towards you. I know about anxiety and depression, i kept this with spammy, she knew only. I was and well family had no time to take me lately been seeing a psychiatrist ( mostly lovely man, more a frined, to me) who specialises in aspergers. He had me on medications, which i kept up for a year, then end of 2010 last time i took them, i decided i ddint want them. What i mean, is nice to have someone to talk to or to listen, Spammy has been there for me.
I know niece Ling will be fine
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FragrantMemory
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Breathe again .[Mo0:0][ss:WarmThoughts]
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Post by FragrantMemory on Oct 24, 2011 0:21:18 GMT -5
^ I'm floored by your kind words, Uncle Sam.
At the end of the day, everyone leads their own lives. I don't expect anyone but me to pick myself up. I'd be setting myself up for disappointment otherwise. It's time to be honest with myself - there were those who broke me in the months directly following my mother's deaths, some of them I had never expected I had any obligations toward. I can't let that happen again. That said, I've met my share of kind-hearted people. I'll never forget that I crossed paths with them, once, twice, seconds and minutes melting into the most breathtaking moments to have ever graced me... The first year was a struggle, but I went through a lot, did things I never thought I'd do. I finally knew what it was like to finally let someone in, someone other than my mother, and just how much that meant to me. Finally let myself be vulnerable, not that I had much of a choice. I learned so much. And now it's as if I've come full circle, preferring seclusion and the quiet life. I know I'll have to make a public appearance other than school someday, but for now I'll simmer.
I know chronic depression and anxiety, combined or otherwise, is redolent of Hell. Forget what lies in store for us in the afterlife - I scarcely think we would be in more unease dead than alive. I think the battle is fought while we're still breathing. After that, it's over. There won't be a struggle. I have to tell you, Uncle Sam, that life encases boundless extravagances we have yet to unveil - I sincerely hope that people like you and I will not be trumped by anxiety or depression. We must triumph so that we may make the best of what, for all we know, is our only chance. Keep on fighting, keep on breathing, keep on hoping. I am grateful for your kind words and confidence.
I remember my mother... my kind-hearted, good-natured mother. She's been through a great deal. Each time I feel conscious of this perpetual uphill climb, I'll think of her. The horrors of her past that managed to trickle into her everyday adult life, she endured for me... I can't let her sacrifices be in vain. I'll break the surface, somehow, and gasp in that first breath again... I can't lose myself, can't let my heart collapse in on itself - I won't give in.
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sammy
Wanderer
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Posts: 221
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Post by sammy on Oct 25, 2011 4:38:13 GMT -5
No problem Niece Ling. Find strength from your mother, pick the brightest star. Triump we shall Niece Ling. Some ppl are not going to make it easy - Sadly world, there are cruel ppl, ive met them. These so call friends that got me in a situation, that still haunts me at times today. I dont give in to it as i used to. I will always be there if u need to talk. I am confident all wil be fine.
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spammy
Swordsman
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Post by spammy on Oct 25, 2011 18:46:23 GMT -5
Yes, we're here when you need us, Ling. And of course, Sammy knows I'll always be there for him too.
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sammy
Wanderer
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Post by sammy on Oct 27, 2011 2:27:17 GMT -5
Yes, there for also Spammy if needed xD
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FragrantMemory
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Breathe again .[Mo0:0][ss:WarmThoughts]
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Post by FragrantMemory on Nov 2, 2011 16:35:52 GMT -5
I wonder how much maple syrup I can use to substitute for table sugar in the XBL sweet soup. And can I use kelp from Arirang? Hmmm...
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FragrantMemory
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Breathe again .[Mo0:0][ss:WarmThoughts]
Posts: 5,877
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Post by FragrantMemory on Nov 10, 2011 3:26:04 GMT -5
It's been about a year now, haven't seen or heard from her, been missing her like mad.
Maybe this morning was the universe slapping some sense into me - again - by ramming me on my forehead. Honestly, if I wanted to be Harry Potter, I would have asked. And what's the mangled nose a likening of? Mad-Eye ?
What's so great about pain is that my body and mind are too exhausted to torture me. Serves them right, those jerks. If only a good pinch - rather than a bike accident - could deliver this pristine stillness. It's so wonderful to feel this settled. I feel like I could accomplish anything. Maybe even interact properly with people again.
No, that's stretching the benefits.
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Xyrad
Sword God
Silence will fall when the question is asked.[Mo0:17][ss:PartnerForLife]
Posts: 669
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Post by Xyrad on Nov 10, 2011 11:59:23 GMT -5
Office spouse is transferring to another location. Apparently we're trading her for one of the supervisors over there, and she's got a good chance of being promoted to take his old position. This is a great opportunity for her, but I'm still gonna miss working with her! But we'll still get to hang out; her new store closes much earlier than mine, so we could go out afterward.
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FragrantMemory
Emperor
Breathe again .[Mo0:0][ss:WarmThoughts]
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Post by FragrantMemory on Nov 10, 2011 13:25:54 GMT -5
^ You still get to see each other, because she's transferring - not dying. It's still all good. No union lasts forever.
I wish I could have it that good.
Sigh....
Thinking of changing my bank account to a certificate of deposit. Not like I'm going to let anyone borrow... family members can hold it down well enough, nor am I going to be withdrawing cash for a while. I'll transfer a certain amount to paypal for textbooks.
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daint
Wanderer
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Post by daint on Nov 11, 2011 19:07:23 GMT -5
once or twice is okay... but complete lack of punctuality is just plain annoying!
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daint
Wanderer
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Posts: 126
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Post by daint on Nov 14, 2011 0:37:12 GMT -5
the blog is on haitus... i haven't been paying and I'm not sure i plan to... =s
i think i check my makeup way too much... i used to have issues with acne so i've been conscious with my appearance ever since i started puberty. this needs to change.
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FragrantMemory
Emperor
Breathe again .[Mo0:0][ss:WarmThoughts]
Posts: 5,877
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Post by FragrantMemory on Nov 14, 2011 18:28:21 GMT -5
^ You could start by wearing a bit less each time. Ditch the liquid for powder so your skin can breathe/remove toxins.
Damn, what a day.... encountered such a douche. For all he knew, I could've broken something. Anyway, just goes to show you can't be nice and gracious to every dandy fool out there.
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