Post by FragrantMemory on Dec 29, 2006 15:18:00 GMT -5
¤ Dating Rules from a
Mother's Point of View ¤
Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you had better be delivering a package, because you sure aren't picking anything up.
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, as long as you don't peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my little girl, I will remove them for you.
Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their pants so low that they appear to be falling off of your hips. Please do not take this as and insule, but you and your friends are idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open-minded about this issue, so I offer a compromise - you may come to my door with your underwear showing and your pants ten times too big and I will not object. However, to ensure that your pants do not come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will use my electric nail gun to fasten them securly to your waist.
Rule Four: I am sure that you have been told that in today's world sex without a "barrier method" of some sort can kill you. Allow me to elaborate: when it comes to sex with my daughter I am the barrier and I will kill you.
Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other we should talk about sports, politics, and other worldy matters. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is when you expect to have my little girl safley back at my house and the only word I will need from you is "early".
Rule Six: As you stand in my hallway waiting for my daughter to appear and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh or fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie you should not be dating. She is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than the painting of the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, do something useful - like changing the oil in my car.
Rule Seven: I have no doubt you are a popular young man, with the chance to date many girls. This is fine with me as long as it is fine with my daughter. Otherwise, once you take my little girl out you will continue to date her and no one but her until she is through with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for dates with my daughter L Places with sofas, couches, beds, or and anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no policemen, nuns, or parents within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the tempature is high enough to induce my to wear anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a ski parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romatic theme are to be avoided; movies with chainsaws are OK. Hockey games are OK. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to me a skinny, middle aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues concerning my daughter, I am an all-knowing, merciless monster with many weapons of annihilation. If I ask where you are going and with whom, you have only one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres by my home. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car pulling into the driveway with the sound of enemy choppers flying over the rice paddies in Hoanu. When my Orange Cleaner starts acting up, the voices in my head often tell me to clean my guns and I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway, you should exit the vehicle with both hands in plain sight. Speak ther perimeter passowrd and announce that you have brought my daughter home safe and early. Then return to your car. There is no reason for you to come inside. The camoflauged face in the window is mine.
Mother's Point of View ¤
Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you had better be delivering a package, because you sure aren't picking anything up.
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, as long as you don't peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my little girl, I will remove them for you.
Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their pants so low that they appear to be falling off of your hips. Please do not take this as and insule, but you and your friends are idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open-minded about this issue, so I offer a compromise - you may come to my door with your underwear showing and your pants ten times too big and I will not object. However, to ensure that your pants do not come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will use my electric nail gun to fasten them securly to your waist.
Rule Four: I am sure that you have been told that in today's world sex without a "barrier method" of some sort can kill you. Allow me to elaborate: when it comes to sex with my daughter I am the barrier and I will kill you.
Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other we should talk about sports, politics, and other worldy matters. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is when you expect to have my little girl safley back at my house and the only word I will need from you is "early".
Rule Six: As you stand in my hallway waiting for my daughter to appear and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh or fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie you should not be dating. She is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than the painting of the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, do something useful - like changing the oil in my car.
Rule Seven: I have no doubt you are a popular young man, with the chance to date many girls. This is fine with me as long as it is fine with my daughter. Otherwise, once you take my little girl out you will continue to date her and no one but her until she is through with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for dates with my daughter L Places with sofas, couches, beds, or and anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no policemen, nuns, or parents within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the tempature is high enough to induce my to wear anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a ski parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romatic theme are to be avoided; movies with chainsaws are OK. Hockey games are OK. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to me a skinny, middle aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues concerning my daughter, I am an all-knowing, merciless monster with many weapons of annihilation. If I ask where you are going and with whom, you have only one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres by my home. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car pulling into the driveway with the sound of enemy choppers flying over the rice paddies in Hoanu. When my Orange Cleaner starts acting up, the voices in my head often tell me to clean my guns and I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway, you should exit the vehicle with both hands in plain sight. Speak ther perimeter passowrd and announce that you have brought my daughter home safe and early. Then return to your car. There is no reason for you to come inside. The camoflauged face in the window is mine.