She Felt it Everyday (My True Story)

[pinkcoffee]

Index. 0 -1-2-3-4

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The smile
has left your eyes.

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One night, on the phone with Minwoo }

"Mihi, are you happy?"

Mihi. Pronounced 'mee-hee'

"Of course, Minnie... Why do you even ask?"

Minnie has always been my nickname for him.

"Just... You seem a bit off."

So you do notice.

"Not at all. Silly boy."

Can't you hear the smile in my voice? Just believe it like you always do.

He sighs. "Good girl. I just want you to be happy, Mihi."

Do you even know what happiness is, Minwoo?

"I know."

I don't either. All I know is...

Minwoo chuckles. "That's all I could ever ask for."

1.) You're my best friend.
2.) You and I never keep anything from each
other, but there's something I can never tell you.

"I know."

It kills me, but I'm okay.

"Aren't you tired?"

As long as I have you beside me, I'm okay.

"A bit."

Don't ever leave me, okay? You're the only friend I have.

"Go to sleep, then."

This is wrong, isn't it? Feeling this way for you.

"I will." Hesitation. "I miss you."

... Breathe, Mihi, breathe.

"I miss you, too. See ya tomorrow?"

Did you hear that? My heart just sang.

"Of course. Goodnight."

It's still singing.

"I'll pick you up at the usual place. Goodnight."

How do you do this to me.

"Sweet dreams."

Click.
I look at my phone, checking if he really hung up first.
For some reason, I always wait.
I can feel tears threatening to replace my hard smile.
I sniffle. I put the phone to my ear and stare down at my blanket.
A whisper:
"Hang in there. One day, I'll be strong enough to look you in the eye and tell you that I love you."

The following chapters you are about to read will give you a glimpse into a very painful love story.
Nobody dies, nobody gets jealous and tries to kill me, nobody blackmails me into looking like a slut.
Nobody tries to separate the two of us. Nobody says a damn thing.
There is no betrayal. There is no twist. There is only pain.

If you're willing to read a story as simple as this, then let's continue as I flip the page...






Once upon a time, I lived...[/font]

[pinkcoffee]

We met in a ridiculously normal way.
I always thought that loving someone this much would mean a special person making a grand entrance into my life.

Grand entrance? Minwoo merely added me on Facebook one day.

I accepted because I knew he was dating a girl I was once good friends with.
I love meeting new people wherever I go, but that day was different.

I can remember how clear the sky was, and how naked I felt standing under it.
The sky was confident enough in its majesty that it revealed it's highest corners.
I went home a humble little girl that day, smelling of food as I always do after working.

I remember sighing heavily as I sat down at my computer with a can of coke in my hand.

Thinking of it now, it was a sign. Taking in the mid-spring air, admiring the skies, jumping from puddle to puddle...
It's clear to me now that I was being buttered up to receive the greatest gift of my life.

A gift.
A blessing.
A beautiful curse.

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Minwoo and I didn't talk for months after initially introducing ourselves.
I didn't find him to be particularly good conversation, nor did he seem all that interested in talking to me either.
His motivation for adding me, he said, was getting to know his girlfriend's friends.

Okay, then. I saw that he added plenty of other people as well, so that explained a lot.
They were all girls, mind you, but like I said, at the time I didn't really care.

And so,
Time passed.

tick, tock.

______tick, tock.

___________tick, tock.

________________tick, tock.

______________________tick, tock.

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Slap.

"Hello there.
It's me, Fate."

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Minwoo was sad. It was apparent.
He wasn't trying in the least to cover up his pain.
There was no discretion in his words whatsoever.
No matter where I looked, all over his profile, it was sadness through and through.

I couldn't help it.
I was so drawn and compelled to share a smile with him.

: )

A smile is more than just a way of expressing my happiness.
Smiling is my lifestyle. My laugh - It's who I am to a lot of people.

But I understand better than most that a smile can be a
way of hiding scars that echo deep inside of you. Smiling can hurt.

Sometimes, a smile hurts more than a tear.

What hurt me was that a perfect stranger had lost all his strength.
He had been drained of all dignity and respect for himself.

I could hear it, his heart.
-- Please, someone... Anyone. I need a friend.

I sent him a polite, supportive message, expecting no response.
It was none of my business anyway, but I secretly hoped he heard my inner voice as well.
-- Here I am.

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He did.

Or rather, his sadness reached out and clung to me like a child.

I knew what I was getting myself into.
Endless hours of blindly supporting, offering advice and positive words, replying to depressed text messages...
But when I looked down at the desolate soul at my knees, a part of me broke.
I bent down and held it close to mine.

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_________ April 20 at 9:22pm
Hey Minwoo! Just wondering what time you'll be online tonight. I don't feel right in leaving you alone when you shared your pain briefly with me... I don't mean to pry or intrude... but I thought you might want a girl to listen to your worries. Even if I barely know you... I know all too well the pains of love.
Sent via Facebook Mobile

Lee Minwoo April 20 at 9:26pm
heyy can you call me right now? ####### i have something urgent to tell you

Lee Minwoo April 20 at 9:28pm
i have no one to talk to...thank you for your support miss jo~

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So typical.
Dumped by a girl and suddenly his life was over.
It was so cliche, so expected, that initially... I was disgusted.
My mind, my good intentions started to turn away.
For some reason, though, I took a second look.

The moment I looked back, my life took a new breath.

This was a person who knew the weight of words.
This was a person who would rather die than break a promise.
This was a person who feared the world as much as I did.
This was a person who was as honest as a mirror.
This was a person who truly, truly deserved to be happy.

I blinked once. Twice.
This was a person who had to be mine.

Scratch that. Being mine could come later.
There were more important matters at hand.
I smashed every trace of a dangerous, romantic feeling from my heart and focused.
I just wanted my new friend Minwoo to be okay.

We spent so much time talking to each other, I can't single out a conversation to write about.
Though many of our talks were depressing, every time we talked, my heart was tickled.

Coochie-coochie-coo.
Stop it, I might be falling for you.

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Days passed. They felt like minutes.

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It was around that time I developed the nickname "Minnie" for him,
and he dubbed me "Montana" for... reasons unknown to me even now.
Sometimes he called me his "verbal a.sskicker", which wasn't all that funny because it was true.

Mihi... I can't stop thinking about her.
Kick.
Why are my eyes leaking?!
Kick.
I wonder if I'll ever love again...
KICK.KICK.KICK.DROPKICK.

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We finally met up one day after a few weeks of talking to each other.
Minwoo was brighter, and I was just relieved that he finally seemed happy.

I remember running around trying on everything in my closet that day.
I stood in front of the bathroom mirror inspecting every angle of my body to make sure nothing looked unsightly. (ie. Fat)
And I must have checked my make up at least 200 times standing in the middle of downtown waiting for him.
For some reason, I couldn't stop shaking.

Why am I nervous. It's just Minnie.
You know it's not 'just Minnie'.
Shut up, brain.

I just about jumped out of my skin when my cellphone started vibrating.

"Hello?"
- Where are you?
"Standing here?"
- Where.
"Across from my singing school, stupid."
- Ah. Is that you in the orange scarf? Walking?
"Yeah!"
- Okay, be right there.

Here's a cliche bit for you: Minwoo drives a sexy car.
A very, very sexy car. I just about fainted when I saw it. BMW 335i.
As soon as I opened the car door, I could hear Big Bang blaring from the speakers.
I put on my seat belt, and as he drove off, I realized that I had forgotten my manners altogether.
I turned to look at him, smiling. He smiled back.

"Nice to meet you, Minnie."
"Nice to meet you too."

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We drove around, unsure of what do do.

Aside from learning that Minwoo had a problem with driving under the speed limit,
I realized that he had squeezed me into a very busy day. In fact, at the time,
Minwoo had been asking me for advice about a girl he had a sudden interest for.

I couldn't figure out why.
I mean, she was an asian blonde, pretty, popular, and from a rich family.
Everything a shallow boy could wish for.

I didn't put much thought into it because I knew a girl like her wouldn't be able to make him happy.
I was right. She ended up trampling all over the poor boy, and he ran straight to me for comfort.

It was that same girl Minwoo had agreed to meet up with that day along with others.
Therefore, due to their plans, he only had an hour for me. Which was, in short, offending.

Yeah, I had a hissy fit. A silent one.

I sat in his car silently staring ahead of me, playing with the straps of my purse.
Minwoo cracked bad jokes, bothered me about where we should go, and answered calls from
friends who asked him when he was going to pick them up. All in all, it was very annoying.
Here I was, someone who'd been his lifeline for a substantially long time, and all he could talk about
was taking me to Pho Hoa for Vietnamese noodles. Noodles that I had clearly stated I didn't want.

We argued over the noodles for a few minutes and I was annoyed to the point where I was about to ask
him to pull over so I could leave, when he got yet another phone call. This time he put it on speakerphone.
G-Dragon's voice was replaced by a soft, female whisper.

"Hello?"
- Hi Minwoo. Where are you?
"I'm with a friend. We're getting bubble tea."

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"I have this huge obsession with bubble tea."
- For real?! Me too! Oh my god. Even though, it's like, 1000 calories.
"Minwoo. You're a boy... why do you care about calories?"
- I have to watch my figure, you know. (laugh)
"Anyway, yeah... Whenever I'm down or upset I go for bubble tea. It always helps."
- What's your favourite flavour?
"Mango milkshake with lychee pieces."
- ME TOO! WOW!
(laugh) "Wow, we're like, bubble tea soulmates."

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"Bubble tea?" was all I could say.

Minwoo looked at me sideways. There was a mischievous glint in his eye. It made me flush.

"Yeah... You've been busy lately, and telling me how you've been having a bad day after bad day."

"Gee, thanks, Minnie..." I apologized over and over in my mind. A strange feeling was rising in my throat.

"Anything." Another glint. Another smile. Another beat of my heart. "Anything for my Montana."

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Coochie-coochie-coo.
Shut up, heart.
No, you.

[pinkcoffee]

I have a myriad of memories with the ever-popular Dream Tea House.

It's located three blocks from the highschool I attended. My friends and I used to skip over often
and waste time habitually. We went as often as the green-haired kids smoked behind the school
bleachers. Yes, we were addicted. There was no cure, and it was____simply.________Glorious.

Not much can beat sitting on that comfortable couch, surrounded by mounds upon mounds of
stuffed animals and talking gaily with my loves. Dream Tea House is famous for their decoration.
The moment you walk in, you have to stifle a squeal or two as you take in a sight that would make
any girl melt:

Plushies of all shape and sizes resting on shelves, cute posters here and there, adorable
furniture, and of course... the scrumptious boys that worked behind the counter. Oh, boy.

I've always been one to wobble at the sight of cute, delicate Asian boys, so it made me smile when
Minwoo and I walked in that day. You see, Minwoo isn't cute, tiny, or delicate. He is

________Simply.____Minwoo.

I've never once thought of him as handsome.
I've never once thought of him as cute.
In fact, I've never been sexually attracted to him either.
It sounds strange, but that's honestly how it was with him.

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That day we had our first bubble tea together is one I'll never forget for the following reasons:

For once, I wasn't with my girls.
For once, I wasn't there to gossip about the football team.
For once, I wasn't consoling a heartbroken friend.
For once, in that cozy little setting... I was unnerved.

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"Hey there. My friend and I would like two mango milkshakes with lychee, please."
"No sago, sir?"
"None."

I couldn't help but notice how soft Minwoo's voice was as he ordered.
I'd never heard him speak so gently. . . . Or, had he?

I remember staring at the colourful straws at the counter, lost in my
thoughts -- when I saw a flash of green. Visa.

"No!" I blurted out, reaching for his wrist. "No, Minnie. I'm paying."

I smile now, remembering the incredulous look that spread across his eyes.

"What are you talking about? I brought you here to buy you bubble tea."
"But--" ___I was mad at you when I shouldn't have been.
"No, Mihi!"
"But--" _______It doesn't feel right. Not here..
"Mihi... Let go of my wrist, please." He looked across the counter. "Just take it."
My head whipped around. There was a pleading look in my eyes. "Please don't."
"Mihi." Minwoo looked down at me, his eyes tired. "Seriously. I'm paying."
"You're seriously not." ______This is my place. It's your first time at my place.

We argued silently with our eyes.

"And why not?"

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His head tilted, waiting.

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"Because..."
It's the first time I've come here with a boy.
"Because..."
I don't even like you. Why am I freaking out like this.
"Because..."
Can you please stop looking at me like that?
That amused look. That you're-so-cute tip of your lips.
"Because..."
Sigh. Just make something up. Quick.
"Because you drove me here! You paid for gas, so I'm paying for this!"

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He didn't listen. In the end, I had to wrestle his credit card with my debit.
I won, but only because the person at the counter was a boy.
I batted my eyelashes a few times and he took my card reluctantly, glancing sideways at Minwoo.

"You cheated."
"Did not."
"You used your girl powers to win."
"So?"

A small cough. "Um... Miss? There's going to be a 25 cent charge for using your debit card."
He pointed to a sign. I nodded. "That's fine."

I pressed my PIN number and looked up at Minwoo, my lips curving. For some reason,
paying a quarter seemed insufficient pay for how light my heart felt. I could have paid a
thousand dollars that day for using my debit, and I wouldn't have complained.

All I knew was that the boy standing before me was a special one, and I didn't even know why.

It was a gut feeling.

A being-punched-in-the-stomach gut feeling, but a pleasant one.

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We didn't meet again for another two weeks, but that one little date was enough for me.
Though we really only spent about twenty minutes together, it was completely worth it.
I knew it was being disrespectful to my pride, feeling that happy over something so simple...

But I'm like that.
I'm a complicated girl that adores simple things.

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tick, tock.

______tick, tock.

___________tick, tock.

________________tick, tock.

______________________tick, tock.

Many moments passed. Rather, they flew by.
I was venturing into a world I had yet to fully comprehend.
I had wandered so far that wasn't sure if I remembered where the exit was.
I was being swallowed by Minwoo's darkness, all the while assuring myself
that I could bring light into his life. I knew that the woman inside of me had
more than enough Hope to share. It felt like my newfound purpose.

Getting lost is never fun. It's scary.
I'd stare to my left. I'd stare to my right.
I didn't know where the hell I was.

The sickest part is, it was exhilarating.

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I was dizzy, but I knew what had hit me.
It was his hand. The hand that had once caressed my face.
That soft, strong hand that wiped away my tears. My fears.
Oh, so warm and tender. Once upon a time...

It came down upon my face and burned it with hatred.
I remember vaguely holding my right cheek.
I remember my hand shaking, or was it my body?
There were muted screams coursing through my veins.

Why.

He was so quiet. Perhaps he realized what he had done.
Perhaps not. He hit me again.
I heard him utter a string of curses.
Then he hit me again.

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And again.
And again.
And again.

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Why.

I was so dizzy.
I wanted to scream.
I couldn't.

I remember looking into David's eyes, my vision blurry.
How could he do this. Someone I had once loved.
A part of me dissolved when I looked up at him.
Love is... Love is... I couldn't remember.
My happiness was chased away by pain.

"Why are you doing this?"
My voice sounded pathetic, even to me.

Heavy breathing. I could see the pain and anger in his eyes.
I wanted to understand, but I was too afraid.

"Why are you doing this, David!?"
A loud, shaking voice.
It sounded as if I'd been suffocated.
My soul, strangled.

"Because you didn't keep your promise, b.itch." He hissed.

I shook my head. "What promise?"

I had to hold my breath and bite my lip to keep from screaming
as he hit me again. This time, he kicked me to the floor.
The bedroom floor where he'd once wrestled with me, giggling.


- I love you. So much.
- I know, I know.
- What? You tease... Say that you love me.
- No. (laugh)
- Come back here, Mihi.
- No. (laugh) Oh, my god. Stop it!
- Too bad.
- This is indecent, you know.
- So? You're mine. In every way.


"Disgusting." He threw a tissue at me. My lip was bleeding.

I left the tissue on the floor beside me, sobbing silently.
When I finally mustered the strength, I clenched the carpet beneath me.
I looked back up at him. His silhouette was black against the light. "Why, David, why..."

His frown deepened as he knelt by my side. "You told me you loved me."

"That was almost a year ago, you psycho!" I sat up, groaning, and fell back against the wall.

"It felt like a day to me. One long, long day without you in my life. I called you here...
to my house to make amends. To make you mine again, but what's this bullsh.t?
You can't be with me like that anymore? You have someone else now? Who?
Who would want to take you in but me?"

I didn't have an answer. I had no words. I was too dizzy.
I blinked a few times before everything went black.

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When I woke up, I could taste ointment on my lips.
I was lying in a bed. I could feel it. There was something cold on my face.

"It's ice. It'll help with the bruises. They're not that bad. You should be
able to cover it up with make up, so don't worry about it."

... David's voice. It was gentle. A monster disguised.

"I'm sorry, Mihi."

I don't know why I didn't call the police.

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"Hello?"
- Mihi! Holy sh.t! You finally picked up the phone. Where have you been?
"Just busy, Minnie. Why, did something happen? Are you alright?"
- You worry too much... I'm fine. I was just wondering what Montana was up to.
"Not much."
- It's been at least two days since we last talked.
"Has it?"
- Yeah. Geez. What are you doing?
"Just sitting here. On my bed. Which is normal, you know. It's 2AM."
- So it is. Am I calling you too late?
"No."
- Ah. You sound tired.
"... A bit."
- Want me to let you sleep?
"No. It's okay. I want to talk to you."
- Okay, so what's up?
"..."
- Mihi?
"..."
- Miiihiii?
"..."
- Mihi? Hello?
"..."
- Mihi, are you crying?
"Minnie... I'm not okay."

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I had decided long ago that Minwoo must never see my weak side.
To him, I was like a support system. There was no room for me to be vulnerable.

So, all in all, I couldn't tell Minwoo what really happened.
In fact, when we talked on the phone, I could barely cry.
I shed tears with no noise. My hand trapped all emotion from escaping my lips.

He broke down my walls anyway. Just like a storybook hero.

Day after day Minwoo called me, encouraged me, and offered advice.
He didn't know just what it was he was giving advice for, so of course,
he grew frustrated, but he never gave up.

Somehow, simply talking to him was comforting in itself.
Hearing his voice felt like I was resting my head against his chest.

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- Mihi?
"...Mm?"
- Are you falling asleep?
"Mm..."
- Go to sleep, ok? Text me tomorrow.
"Mm..."
- It's going to be a new day.
"Mm."
- We're going to make it, Mihi.
"Mm. I know."
- Goodnight now. Sweet dreams.



" I couldn't help but notice how soft Minwoo's voice was as he ordered.
I'd never heard him speak so gently. . . . Or, had he? "

Ah. So that was it.
The voice I heard every night before falling asleep.
The voice so sweet, sweet, tender . . .

I had a lovely dream that night.
I was chasing a star.

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Soon, Minwoo asked me if he could kidnap me again after my singing lesson.
I had no choice but to oblige since he asked so sweetly. He sounded so excited.
Like a little boy. Giddy, bubbly, happy -- everything I wanted him to be.

He picked me at the same corner where we'd first officially met. It was a warm day,
but Minwoo was wearing a jacket. I didn't ask questions. Minwoo watched his
figure more than I did, and I'm not thick in the least. His biggest complaint about
himself was his waist. His excuse for wearing a jacket was always to try and cover
up his wider middle.

I always smiled at that insecurity.
It showed me that he was human after all, despite how like an angel he was to me.

When I asked him where we were going, he was elusive once more.

"I don't know."
"Come on, tell me!"
"Nope."

I opted to probe him some more, and when I asked a few more questions,
Minwoo replied by turning up his music. He sang to Big Bang as loudly as he could.
It wasn't all that pleasant to listen to, but it still made me smile.

Eventually, after I'd poked him at least 20 times, he finally gave in.
"Fine, fine, fine! I'm taking you to the best restaurant in the city!"

I was delighted. "Really?! Where!"

"You'll see."
The glint. My heart tripped.
I hadn't realized how much I'd missed seeing that look in his eyes.

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The best restaurant in the city, according to Minwoo,
was Shimada House. The best ever, he said.

When we pulled up in a driveway, it finally hit me.
Surprise, surprise . . .
My heart didn't just trip, then. It fell down a flight of stairs.

"Your house?" I murmured softly.

He couldn't hear me past the sound of the creaky garage door.

"Hmmm?"
"We're at your house?"
"Yeah."

I'll never forget the way he smiled.

"Oh. How..."
"How?"
"How... nice."

Minwoo laughed, ruffled up my hair, and led me into his house.

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His family was just delightful. They were so friendly, so nice,
and so genuine. They'd already started cooking teriyaki salmon
steaks when we stepped in, so the air in the house was brimming
with a mouth-watering aroma. I looked to Minwoo for an explanation.

"My family decided to have a barbecue today. I thought you'd wanna join in."

And that's how it went. Despite Minwoo's efforts to keep me out of the kitchen,
I helped chop vegetables and stir-fry them. We stood side by side laughing,
cooking, and cracking the stupidest jokes ever. We were positively hysterical.
I don't think I've ever had that much fun before in my life.

Then, something amazing happened.

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"Hey, Mihi."
"Mm?"
"While the chicken's baking, wanna go grab some candy?"
"Candy? What about your diet?"
"F.uck diets. Let's go."
(laugh) "Okay."

I took off my apron and hung it up on a hook on the wall.
I was about to step away, when I saw a picture of an adorable little boy taped on the fridge.
I didn't have to second guess who it was.

"You were so cute... What happened?"
"Ouch." Minwoo looked at me, mock-pain on his face. "Ouch."

I smiled at him as he took off his apron. I reached out my hand,
but he gently pushed it aside and hung up the apron himself.

"You know, Mihi, you have to stop being so considerate. You're a nice person,
but too nice sometimes, you know? It's hard for me to protect you if you're this open."

He was close enough that I could smell him.
I drank it in -- his cologne, his scent.
I looked up at him, that strange feeling rising in my throat again.

Minwoo noticed me staring and smiled down at me. "What?"

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I fell in love. I didn't stand a chance.

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The walk to the convenience store around the corner flew by.
Setting up the table flew by. Arranging the food onto plates flew by.
I remember staring down at my plate. Minwoo's father kept piling food
on it, saying that an outgoing, big-eyed girl such as myself needed lots
of energy. I remember Minwoo snorting as he took a sip of his 7up.

I could barely eat what was before me. I had been so hungry when
I'd first arrived, but now... my stomach, my everything was satisfied.
I ate a few bites, smiling to myself. I had often heard the phrase
'Love is all we need to keep us alive', but never thought much of it.

Just another, cheesy line, right?

"I guess not..."
"Did you say something, Mihi?"
"Nothing."
"Eat more, stupid. We spent, like, two hours cooking all this."
"Okay, okay..."

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Minwoo and I sat in the living room, patting our stomachs.
We couldn't even utter the words "I'm so full."
It was that bad. I was glad I was wearing a loose shirt.

CSI Miami was playing on TV, which made Minwoo bounce up
and down on the leather couch. "Oh my god! I haven't seen this show in forever!"

He didn't really watch it. He kept staring at me as I nibbled on the chocolates
he had laid before me. I wanted to know what he was thinking, but pretended
that I didn't notice him staring. I'm pretty sure I was blushing.

Eventually, he broke the silence.

"Mihi. Are you okay?"

The question caught me off guard.

"Minnie, I am more than okay."
"Are you sure? Because lately you seem... strange. Did something bad happen?"
I remember smiling a very small smile. "It's nothing important now."
"I'm not sure if I believe you."
"Please do."
"Okay, well... I need you to listen to me."

He switched off the TV. The moment he did, the entire house seemed to grow quiet.
Minwoo's parents, who had been lively in the kitchen, hushed as well. Minwoo noticed.

"Can you guys NOT eavesdrop?"
"We weren't, boy! Go back to your lovey-dovey crap!"

I had to bite my lip to stop myself from laughing. Minwoo gave me an apologetic look and
took a deep breath. His eyes grew serious. I'd never seen them that way before.

"Mihi. I need you to promise me something."

My heart jumped.

"What is it?"

"Promise me that you'll always smile from the heart. No matter what."



_______'Because you didn't keep your promise, b.itch.'



"... Minnie. I'm bad with those kinds of promises."
"Promise me anyway. Swear that you'll always smile from the heart."
I swallowed. "But... it'll be hard."
I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't. Minwoo. You don't know.

I made the mistake of looking into his eyes.
The eyes that could make me believe in anything.

"It'll be okay. I'm here for you. I'll make sure you'll be able to."
The voice so sweet, sweet, tender . . .



"Okay. I promise."

.
.
.
.

The time we shared that day, in my heart, was our first kiss.

.
.
.
.

First kiss? Without lips touching? What are you talking about?
A kiss is a kiss is a kiss.
A kiss is not defined by physical touch.

In fact, a real kiss doesn't even need to be what you would expect it to be.
Everyone who thinks a kiss means a tilt of the head,
. . . . . . . the closing of eyes,
and the part-sensual, part-blissful meeting of two pairs of lips . . . . . . .
needs to be re-educated. You are all being fooled.

I've always been one to watch movies and sigh at attention drawing kiss scenes.
As a child, my heart was dominated by the Disney classics.
When kids yelled 'ewwww' and turned away from the TV, I kept my eyes glued
and felt my jaw drop when the Prince kissed Snow White.

It was the same with
Jasmine and Aladdin,
Sleeping Beauty and Philip,
Ariel and Eric,
and so on and so forth... until
I came upon Beauty and the Beast.

At the tender age of six, the movie absolutely baffled me.
The girl was so very beautiful, but the man was gross and hideous.
How was this movie ever going to have a happy ending?
At one point, I wondered if Belle would just keep Beast as a pet.
Something to feed and care for, like I did my puppy Choopi.
I considered it, but thought it was too scary. I wouldn't want to play with Beast...
So why would Belle? But, as the movie carried on past the 60 minute mark, I understood.
The kiss came at the end, but by that time, it didn't feel very special to me.
My jaw didn't drop. My heart didn't leap.

At the tender age of six, I learned a valuable life lesson.
Disney showed me what has to be the most romantic gesture I've ever seen.
It’s the moment when Beast wants to do something nice for Belle, whose
greatest passion is books and reading. He blindfolds her, leads her into a room,
and when she opens her eyes, he’s given her his entire library.

-- That moment. When Belle opens her eyes.
When she turns to look at Beast with joy gleaming in her eyes.
That was their first kiss.

.
.
.
.

A kiss is when two souls brush against each other. People have nodded and accepted
that a kiss is the meeting of lips because that's the extent of what we can see.

No, a kiss is much more. A kiss is a beginning. A kiss is the moment you start falling.

Minwoo didn't give me a library, nor did he awake me from a deep sleep. He
gave me a reason to start shining again. That day, stuffing ourselves silly, I smiled
in a way I'd never smiled before. I didn't have to look into a mirror to know.
It was so pure, so sincere. My soul was glimmering behind my eyes and lips.

A first kiss. An autograph of love.

.
.
.
.

I was foolish enough to think it was mutual.

____________________________________

So. How many times have you been kissed?

^ ^

[pinkcoffee]

I used to rule the world.

I was dauntless. I dared to be.
My will to live was a cheerful sickness.

I once had spirit, poise, and resolve
-- with a hint of impudence.

I was confident, but most of all, I was
F e a r l e s s .

Do you have what it takes to be Fearless?
What does it mean?

The dictionary answers:
Fearless –adjective
to be without fear.

I argue:
That definition is amiss.

.
.
.
.

Life is harsh and cruel, to say the least, but untouchable.
It is a bully that will never cease to inflict pain. Almost systematic.

Life cowers at the sight of one thing, and one thing only: Fear.
Fear is the driving force behind the bully itself.
Fear shakes the very foundations of one's conviction, but the
absence of it abuses the control Life has over your everyday.

School bullies gorge upon the satisfaction of terrorizing their victims.
Life is no different. It sustains on your every insecurity:

The fear of having no food on the table.
The fear of having nowhere to go.
The fear of being rejected.
The fear of failing an exam.
The fear of being compared.
The fear of not being able to succeed.

Ludicrous.
For once you realize the true definition of Fearless,
_____you have already won.

.
.
.
.

_F
___e
_____a
_______r ,



__________L
_____________e
________________s
___________________s
______________________.[/i][/size][/font]

.
.
.
.

A truly fearless individual respects despair and looks it in the eye.
We are warriors who hold doubt close to our heart and fight blindly.
Some sneer and call us stupid, others call us gallant.

Being fearless is letting your sobs echo through the night, as if no one can hear.
___Being fearless is walking towards the morning light, knowing you will lose your way.
_____Being fearless is daring to speak the truth when no one thinks it matters.

Being fearless is falling in love when the universe says no.

.
.
.
.

I dared to say__Yes.

.
.
.
.

One day, on my way home, I pondered the extent of my new feelings.
I searched my heart for walls, closings . . . to find that there were none.

I was confused.

I asked my heart: "How much do you love Minwoo?"
A sudden breeze blew then, and the wind played with my hair lovingly.
It brushed against my face and it almost felt like there was a hand under my chin.
I looked up and saw the beautiful summer sky. I had my answer.

'That much.'

.
.
.
.

Love is the most nonsensical gift that the heavens blessed upon this world.
It is a gift of uncertainty, but one of undeniable happiness.
I have never tried drugs, nor felt the urge to even consider experiencing them.

For love is my undying addiction.

.
.
.
.

Not long ago, someone asked me to jot down 10 reasons explaining
how I fell in love with Minwoo, and I was only able to compose a single line:
I honestly don't have a clue.

Were I to list physicals, of course, there'd be a thousand things
to write about, but love isn't entirely about what's physically present.
It starts with a kiss and grows from that one special moment.

My disappointed friend insisted on an answer, so I took her to
my room and pulled out my journal from a bookshelf. I flipped
through the pages delicately, stopping at one that held a polaroid in its creases.

"Is that you and Minwoo?"
"Mmhmm."
"Awww... Cute."
"Yeah. Here, read this page."

It was a very short entry.


When everything was dark, hope was lost..
I gave up on love only wanting to find it.
But the truth is, it never gave up on me.
You don’t find love. It has a way to find you.
That’s when I realized that love gave me you.


My friend looked at me with tears in her eyes.
I nodded as she held my hand tightly.

"Mihi, I . . . I don't know what to say."
"Then don't. It's okay."

Sometimes, silence is the most comforting thing of all.

.
.
.
.

On the phone, after the BBQ }

"I'm so full. I can't believe we ate that much."
- I know, eh?! We totally cleaned out the table.
"I'm going to look like a bouncy ball tomorrow."
- Pshhh... At least you won't look like a beached whale.
(laugh) "Oh, Minnie... I miss you."
(laugh) - I know.
"... Hmm..."
- What?
"Just. No matter how many times I say that I miss you, you never say it back."___Geez.
- Pshh...
"I'm serious."___It's not that hard, you know.
- I don't say that unless I really mean it.
"Oh, THANKS... So you don't miss me?"
- Don't think of it that way, Mihi... I just take those words very seriously.
"... Uh-huh."
- No, for real. I don't even call any of my lady friends pretty. It feels weird.
"What the heck."
- Seriously... Unless it's a girl I really, really love, I'll never say it.

I remember wishing silently in my heart, that one day, I would hear the word 'beautiful'
from Minwoo. I wished that he would look at me with soft eyes, touch me with even
smoother hands, and melt my heart faster than the summer heat would an ice cube.

.
.
.
.

Falling in love with my best friend was easy.
Keeping up my faith, however, was not.

There were a million what if's running through my mind,
and a few hundred more that can't be's attacking my heart.

It didn't help that Minwoo was always so sweet to me.
It didn't help that he needed me more than anyone had before.
It didn't help that I was beginning to need him too. Desperately.

.
.
.
.

"Hello?"
- Mihi, it's me!
"Minnie!"
- I'm at the university right now. Come meet me! I'll buy you ice cream!
"Okay!"

I remember running as fast as I could, but not fast enough.
I hadn't seen Minwoo in at least five days, which was a long time.
Minwoo and I did our best to meet each other everyday.
It didn't feel like a day had passed otherwise.

A lot of people were staring as I rushed past them, and
it was probably for one of two reasons:
1.) I was running like a maniac or
2.) I was smiling like an idiot while running like a maniac.

I pretty much flew into Minwoo's arms the moment I saw him.
He nearly fell backwards, but laughed at how out of breath I was.
"Wow, Mihi... I wasn't going anywhere, you know."

He was the first to let me go. I could've held onto him forever.

"I know, but you were waiting. I hate to keep you waiting."
"Wanna go to Java Jive? I don't know if they sell ice cream elsewhere on campus."

Minwoo chuckled when I started jumping up and down.
My hair was bouncing and a smile flourished across my face.
"There's a really, really, really, really good frozen yogourt stand by the bookstore!"
"Really? I've never noticed it."
"I guess you're not very studious."
"Pfff..."

Tilting his head, Minwoo reached up and brushed a piece of my hair back into place.

"You must really like ice cream, eh? You're so happy."
"Not ice cream, frozen yogourt!"
Yes, you do make me that happy.

.
.
.
.

Minwoo had a lot of homework to do. I lied and said I did as well.

We started walking to the library after enjoying our treats,
taking in the warm sun and air. At one point, we were close
enough that our fingers brushed accidentally. He didn't notice,
but I felt that single touch channel through my entire body.
It was wonderful. I bit my lip to stop myself from smiling too wide,
but changed my mind when I realized I had nothing to hide.

So... why was I shadowing it anyway?

.
.
.
.

A silent, June evening }

"Guess what, Minnie?"
- Hmmm? What?
"Ah, wait. Are you done your homework?"
- Mmhmm! Almost done.
"Eek! Go finish your homework first! Call me back!"
- No, Mihi, it's okay.
"But.."
- No is no. Anyway, what were you saying?
"Well, uh. Thanks for the frozen yogourt today!"
- Mmhmm.
"The weather was lovely today!"
- Yeah.
"Anyway, I like someone."
___Silence. I heard Minwoo take a deep breath.
- REALLY? Wow! Who?!
"Someone..."
- What's his name?
"...Babo."
- Babo?
"Babo."
- Babo!?
"Babo."
- As in the word STUPID in Korean?
"Yaw, man."
- His parents named him Babo? Dang, that's harsh.
"NO! I call him Babo."
- Oh. I'm stupid. Why is he a babo?
"Because he's stupid and doesn't know how lucky he is!"
- Eh?
"Lucky to have someone like me like him!"
- That's reaaaaal humble of you, Mihi.
"Well, it's true."
(laugh) - I guess it is. Lucky guy.
___... Do you really mean that?
"Yeah, but he's a babo because he doesn't know I like him."
- What!? How! You're the most obvious person ever when it comes to emotions.
"I know, eh?"
- I'm happy for you!
(laugh) "Thanks, but I need your help."
- Huh?
"I want to buy him a gift and you're going to help me pick it!"
- That sounds great! When?

.
.
.
.

The following Wednesday changed everything.

___________________________

Short, short chapter . . . for a reason. Chapter -4 is one I'm looking forward to sharing.

[pinkcoffee]

I blinked back my tears furiously.
Minwoo was very, very late.
I didn't understand why that made me so upset.

I plopped down on a nearby bench and ripped open my purse.
No text. No nothing. I refused to call him first and seem as
desperate as I was to see him._____ Babo.babo.babo.

Having nothing else to do, I checked my make up to make sure
I looked flawless. Besides, it was an important day.

.
.
.
.

Eventually, I got bored and looked around to take in my surroundings.
I remember people bustling here and there, chatting cheerfully, sharing
hugs and kisses, talking on their phones, nibbling on chips and doing all
sorts of things . . . and for some reason, I started to feel anger boiling within me.

All these people were moving with normal, everyday purpose.
I was sitting in one spot, purpose waiting to burst out of my body, ready to
fulfill the most important mission of my life . . . and Minwoo dared to be late?

I was about to snap when my phone started ringing. I cleared my throat and
frowned to ensure my aggravation would seep into my voice. I wanted him to know.

.
.
.
.

"Hello?"
- I'msorryI'msorryI'msorry, Montana!
"For what, silly?"
- I'll be there in two minutes, no lie. I'm so sorry I'm late!
"It's fine."
- Are you mad?
"Nope!"
- Are you sure?
"Yup. Besides, how could I be mad at you?"
- Are you SURESURE?
"Yes, Minnie, I am sure. Silly. Just hurry!"

I hung up and a sense of relief washed over my heart.
Smiling, I put my phone to my lips and leaned back into the bench.

I looked up at the sky.
__Infinite.
____V a s t .
& as blue as newborn tears.

All my life, the sky has been my saviour.
It is wide enough to caress you and deep enough to
understand your worries without hearing a cry for help.

The sky always listened to me and nothing else could
quite calm my heart in the way the clouds did as they
drifted across my worries. There was a gentle breeze.
It kissed me on the cheek. See? It's a good day.

"Besides, how could I be mad at you?"
I tried the line out loud again and again.

It was one full of truth.
My Minnie was rushing to see me.
That was more than enough to keep me happy.

.
.
.
.

"So... Where to?"

I breathed deeply, taking in the scent of leather seats.
It was a hot day and Minwoo was wearing a jacket again.
I gave him a look and he shrugged in response.
He looked anxious. I couldn't figure out why.

"The mall, please. I need to go to Build-A-Bear."

Dot.dot.dot. Silence.
I smiled inwardly, knowing what was coming next.

"You're getting Mr. Babo a bear?"

"Not getting... Making." I brushed my bangs out of my eyes.

Clearing my throat, I smoothed out my shirt a few times gently,
hoping he would notice. It was a new shirt that I'd bought especially
for that day -- black and pinched at the waist to accentuate my curves.
He didn't seem to notice as he drove off.

I pouted silently for the next five minutes.
Minwoo attempted to sing along to Elliot Yamin.
D o n ' t __b e __a f r a i d __t o __f a l l __i n __l o v e . . .

I heard my heart pound in my ears as I squirmed in my seat.
I hadn't even noticed my hands clenching around the straps of my purse.

Minwoo glanced at me. "Are you hot?"
"A bit..." ____ Liar.
He reached over and turned up the AC.

"You shouldn't be nervous about today, Montana. You'll be fine."
"You think so?"
"A girl like you?" He laughed. "Mihi, even if he doesn't want you,
I'm sure you'd be able to invade his life and make him love it."

I giggled, inducing a frown from Minwoo.

"What's so funny?"
"Nothing, nothing . . ."

I stared out the window, smiling at the world that rushed by.
We stopped at a red light and I couldn't help but notice that
the breeze was playing with people's hair.

Playing, teasing, comforting . . .

See? It's a good day.
I crossed my fingers.

.
.
.
.

Being the considerate boy he is, Minwoo brought his camera that day.
He is by no means a good photographer, but he made up for it by
having a very expensive camera.

I remember giving him a strange look when he pulled his camera bag out of the car.

"You brought it?"
"Yeah."
"Why?"
"Well... It's a very special day for you. I want you to have pictures."
"... Really?"
"Yeah. You can make an album later and give it to Mr. Babo."

I didn't know what to say.

"That would be the perfect gift, don't you think?"

I walked towards the entrance of the mall, shaking my head gently.
I listened to the sound of my heels clicking against the pavement.
Only when Minwoo called my name did I realize I'd walked far ahead.

"Mihi!"

I looked over my shoulder.
I could feel my gaze soften as our eyes met.
A touch. A kiss.

No. You, my love, are the perfect gift.

.
.
.
.

Minwoo made a gagging sound beside me.

"I've never actually been in here before."
"So?" I looked up at him, disappointed that he didn't like the store.
"It's so... Ugh. Cute."
"Whatever."

I pulled on his jacket sleeve, tugging him towards the boxes of stuffed animal skins.

"Hurry, hurry! We wasted so much time because you were late!"

For the next ten minutes, we laughed over how creepy the empty bear skins were.
Minwoo put one over his hand and made a crude puppet. I exploded in laughter.

I caught one or two sales associates smiling at us.

I could see admiration in their eyes.
You two are so cute.
I smiled back.
Aren't we?

It made my heart glow.

.
.
.
.

We finally decided on a scruffy looking skin and
I announced that the bear's name would be Mason.

"Mason?"
"Yup! Cute, isn't it?"
"Why Mason?"
"I'll tell you one day."

With that, we stood in line, waiting to have Mason brought to life.
Minwoo was standing close enough that my heart started tickling.

"Are you sure you like it, Minnie?"
"Hmm?" Minwoo looked up from his cellphone. "Why do you ask?"
Ah... Crap. "Well... I'm just so indecisive. I wanna know if you like it."
"Yeah, he's very cute. I almost wish I had a bear like him."

I turned away quickly, pretending to look at a bear accessory.
I spent a long moment trying to wipe the idiotic smile off my face.

.
.
.
.

All photos by Minwoo. }











Out of all the stores I've walked into, Build-A-Bear is one I never tire of visiting.
From the empty bear skins to the adorable accessories, the stuffing station,
cleaning station, dressing rooms . . . Everything is intricately designed to
create a new smile and bring out the child in anyone. I wandered into the mini
factory out of curiosity one day and fell in love instantly.

It only seemed fitting that my first gift for Minwoo be created in this place.

.
.
.
.

"Hey there! How are you two today?"

I nodded at the girl sitting at the stuffing station.
She had a friendly demeanor.

"We're good! How are you?"
"Preeeeetty good! Ready to put some life into your bear?"
"Yes, please!"

I jumped up and down, eyes smiling. I couldn't help it.

"Do you have a name for your bear?"
"Yes! His name is Mason!"
"What a lovely name! Who is it for? Sister? Friend? Boyfriend?"

I took a quick glance at Minwoo. He was busy ogling a mini mp3 player.
He gave me an incredulous look and pointed at the tiny earphones.
Shaking his head, Minwoo stepped around the display to play with
a pair of plastic glasses. I heard him laugh.

Sighing happily, I shrugged. "It's for him, actually."
"Really?" Her eyes widened.
"Yup! Don't tell him, though... He doesn't know."
"That's very cute! Are you dating him?"
"No... Not yet."
"Gotcha."

She winked and hummed a short tune innocently when
Minwoo wandered back to where we were standing.

"I've decided on something," Minwoo said with confidence in his voice.
I looked up at him, head tilting. "What?"
"This place f.ucking rocks."

I laughed and patted his arm, sliding my fingers
_____________________________________down,
____________________________________________down,
___________________________________________________down,
_______________________________and touched his hand ever so gently . . .

It was a single, fleeting moment.
A moment filled with immeasurable warmth.
I could only describe it as an intentional, beautiful accident.
In that split second, I suddenly knew.
I didn't just know, I believed.

I could rule the world with one hand as long as
Minwoo stood beside me . . . holding the other.

.
.
.
.

After brushing Mason free of excess dust and fluff, Minwoo and I walked over
to the large selection of teddy bear clothing. There were so many options, it
took us nearly 20 minutes of arguing to finally decide on an outfit.

In the end, Mason turned out to look a lot like Minwoo, which made me smile.

"Look at him..." Minwoo commented as I dressed Mason. His eyes showed
an expression of delight. "He's the cutest bear I've ever seen. So preppy!"

I nodded but looked away sharply when Minwoo raised his camera to
snap pictures of me. "Don't!"

Minwoo blinked. "Why?! You would think Mr. Babo would appreciate
seeing his wifey's picture in the album you're going to make!"

Wifey. I smiled at him, shaking my head. "You're silly."

What I wanted to say was--
You complete me.
You always make me smile.
You constantly show me new things to love about the world.
I want to spend a large portion of my life, if not all of it,
laughing, smiling, growing, loving . . . with you.

I shrugged, looking him square in the eye. "You're silly, Minnie."

.
.
.
.

Mihi & Mason }


"Don't!"


Fixing Mason's tail.

.
.
.
.

"Minnie."
"Hmm?"
"I'm nervous."
"It's too late to be nervous, isn't it?"

Minwoo looked down at me, touching his glasses
before nudging me towards the counter.

I stared at Mason, fixing his glasses the way Minwoo
had mere seconds ago. A sense of longing filled my heart.

"You alright?"
I shrugged. "Yeah."
"Why do you look so--"

He was interrupted by a sales associate.
"Hi!" She nodded at the bear I held close to my chest. "What's his name?"
"Mason."
"That's a cute name!"
I nodded briefly as she walked off in search of Mason's birth certificate.

"Mihi?"
"Yes?"
"Are you sure you're alright?"
"Yes, Minnie."
"... Mihi."
"I'm just really nervous."
"Why?"
"He's special to me. I don't want anything to go wrong."
"You must really like him."

I didn't reply. Instead, I passed my debit card across the
counter and paid for Mason and his clothing.

.
.
.
.

I wasn't particularly hungry but we decided to go to a nearby Moxies anyway.
It was a perfect excuse to allow the moment to linger, so I couldn't argue.

Everything was simply beautiful. The dim lights, good music, friendly server,
mouthwatering aroma, gorgeous food, hushed but lively chatter . . .

I've been back to Moxies many times since then, but never
quite enjoyed myself as much as I had with Minwoo.



That day was when I tried my first Bellini. Minwoo swore I'd love it. I did.
I promised myself to never drink one unless he was there with me.

.
.
.
.

Halfway through our meal, I excused myself to go to the bathroom.
I spent a few moments checking my make up before taking a series of deep breaths.
Staring into the mirror, I ran many insecure thoughts through my mind.

One moment, everything felt like a mistake.
Another, as if I was fulfilling a story in my life that yearned to be written.

.
.
.
.

"What are you thinking about?"

I looked up to find Minwoo with an amused look painted across his eyes.
My heart burned, then. It burned with a fire I never wanted to extinguish.

"Nothing. This is good, isn't it?" ____What on earth did I think about all the time before I met you?
"I know! I can't believe I've never had it until now!"
"Is it enough? Should we order more?" ____I love you. So much.
"Holy sh.t! I'm not even sure if I can finish this, Mihi! No!"
"Are you sure?" ____Can you hear it?
"I'm sure."
"Alright." Listen, Minnie. Listen carefully. It's faint, but it's there.
-- My heart is reciting a poem that consists of only your name.

.
.
.
.

Minwoo pouted and was cross with me for a grand total of five minutes
when I ran up to pay for dinner. It was against his code to have a woman pay.
I didn't care. Today was my day making Babo feel like the luckiest man on earth.

I crossed my fingers again, hoping that Minwoo had never been happier.

He seemed happy enough when I treated him to ice cream for dessert.

.
.
.
.

All too soon, my watch told me it was time to leave.
I was going to be late for my singing lesson.

As Minwoo broke every single speed limit in the city rushing me through downtown,
something incredible unfolded. The music blaring from his speakers hushed,
Minwoo's singing vanished and I could hear time going tick -- before all
was completely still. It was beautiful. It felt like home.

It was the moment where I fell in love beyond any hope of ever returning.
The world went quiet and the only thing left was the sound of my heart.
It echoed through my body and for the first time, I could understand what it was saying.

.
.
.
.

"It was nice seeing you today, Minnie."
"It was more than nice seeing you, Montana."
"Where are you headed now?"
"Probably to school to study. You're late... Aish. I'm so sorry."
"It's ooookay, Minnie."
"Thanks for dinner, by the way... I'm sorry."
"Why do you keep apologizing? What are you sorry for?"
"You're so poor today after buying that bear and dinner! You broke woman!"
"Minnie... I'm not poor, okay? I just don't flaunt my money like you do."
"I do not flaunt my money!"
"Sure, sure... Man, I'm so nervous."
"You'll do fine. You said you'd be meeting him here right? I don't see him."
"He's here somewhere. Minnie... Do I look okay?"
"You look fine."
I rolled my eyes, heart pounding. "Well, I'm gonna go now. Bye!"
"Have a good evening, Mihi! Call me later! I can't wait to hear how it goes!"
My smile was shaky, but Minwoo didn't notice. "Okay."

I left the car and concentrated on the sound of my heels to steady my racing heart.
Clickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclick.

"Mihi!"

I froze before reluctantly looking over my shoulder.
I wasn't prepared to see the confused, disbelieving look in his eyes.

"You forgot your bear."
"It's for you, Minnie." A tiny whisper.
Minwoo frowned and spoke louder. "You forgot your bear, stupid!"

I glanced back at the car where I knew Mason was resting comfortably in his box.

Mustering every last ounce of courage from my body, I looked at Minwoo once more.
The hesitant look in his eyes was hard to ignore as I took a deep breath.

"It's for you, Minnie."

This time he heard me.
He didn't say another word as I ran into the building.

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There. I'd done it.
It was perfect.

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He was stunned in a good way, right?

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It was perfect and flawless, right?

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Right?

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Hello, my name is Mihi.

I was once dauntless. I dared to be.
My will to live was a cheerful sickness.

I once had spirit, poise and resolve
-- with a hint of impudence.

I was confident, but most of all, I was
F e a r l e s s .

Do you have what it takes to be Fearless?
What does it mean?

Being fearless is falling in love when the universe says no.
I dared to say__Yes.

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I was wrong. I should have listened.